By now, all of you should have your Christmas trees up and decorated. If not, stop reading and put it up now. You’ll thank me for it later. Either that or never read another blog until you work up the ambition to go buy a tree. Either way, good stuff will be coming your way. And one of those great things is an ornament.
Pictured: A Great Thing
Of course some ornaments are better than others. They’re kind of like cold sores in that way. Actually, no they aren’t. Sometimes there are good ornaments. So what makes up a great ornament?
Glass. Class over.
There are four components to a good ornament. The first is balance. See, ornaments live their lives hanging from trees, so let me amend my previous metaphor. Ornaments are like monkeys, not cold sores. But anyway, a good ornament balances. Otherwise you get a crooked tree.
Included in this is the curious question of weight distribution.
Moving on… Next up on the the list is a healthy dose of nostalgia. Some of you may notice that this is listed twice on the graph, but this is no mistake. See, every good ornament is two parts nostalgia. It’s like an Old Fashioned. Remember that. Ornaments are like old fahsioneds.
Don Draper f%&ing loves ornaments.
That leaves us with one final component, a component that is actually larger than the two parts of nostalgia in a fashion that can only be adequately explained by quantum physics, probably. That last component is Christmas cheer. See, when you take a tiny statue and hang it from a tree it doesn’t draw up awful memories of vigilante justice in the rough and tumble Wild West, it brings up dreams of yesteryear.
Not to be confused with yesterBEAR
Also, my sincere apologies for not offering up a new metaphor with that last one. As penance, I’ll combine two that already came before. Ornaments, for those who are keeping score, are basically just old fashioned monkeys.