Well I wanted to write this post three weeks ago, but by some great karma or divine intervention, I put it off and actually remembered to do it today! For those who don’t know me personally, that’s an accomplishment akin to the Vandal sacking of Rome, the completion of the transcontinental railroad, or working up the cahones to talk to the prettiest girl at the bar.
So here it is. Right where I am, we are enjoying a full moon out the window and that means only one thing: out come the crazies. Of course when I say crazies I’m referring to hairy, brutish, aggressive animals with blood on their minds.
I should clarify that I’m not talking about professional competitive beard growers. I’m talking about werewolves.
A Lycanthrope–which is what a haughty werewolf calls itself–is a half man-half wolf. Now, you may know some things about werewolves–they’re kind of a big deal. The thing about being a big deal though is that sometimes (read: most of the time) legends get muddled and disagreeing among themselves.
To try and combat this, I’m just going to rapid fire some attributes at you and let you draw your own conclusions. Let’s start with how to identify a werewolf.
Depending on where you come from, there are a variety of ways to spot a werewolf in his human form, like whether or not they have a unibrow or low-set ears. You could also check for bristles under his tongue, though it would be kind to ask first. None of those tickle your fancy? Why not check in his closet for the wolf-skin they put on to become the howling monster?
Okay, so maybe you’re not looking at a human but you’re unsure about whether it’s a werewolf, a chupacabra, or Snooki. Here’s what to look for. Is it tall, muscular and covered in fur? If not, it could still be Snooki. If yes, read on.
Does it look like a half wolf and half man? Does it have a tail? If not is it running on three legs and using its fourth as a tail (because that gets on the Swedes nerves)? Is it howling at the moon? Is it mauling your face, or actively trying to?
If you answered yes to all of those questions, it’s probably a werewolf.
Okay, okay, we’ve identified the threat and now you’re antsy because you’re losing more face wit every wasted word. Here’s how to kill it. First, you won’t need a silver bullet unless you’re in a movie where silver bullets seem to be a lot more common. Also that crucifix and vial of holy water isn’t much good unless the crucifix is half-knife or has a direct line to an Archangel help line or the holy water is more of holy hydrochloric acid. That’s because the way to put down a good old-fashioned werewolf is simple. You kill it like you’d kill a wolf that was three times the size and as smart as a human.
- Halloween Series: Werewolves (The Wolf Man, Van Helsing, The Howling, American Werewolf In London) (thatguythatreviewsstuff.wordpress.com)
- So, seriously, if I wanted to kill a werewolf, silver bullets or . . . ? (grafiklit.wordpress.com)
- Six Lovable Lycanthropes (matt-landofnod.blogspot.com)