A new year is upon us….


Cheers to 2012! I hope everyone out there is as excited about this new year as I am! I say that because I’m largely indifferent, not because I’m terribly excited. I just figure if I’m truly neutral, then anyone less excited than me is a little bit bummed and if that’s the case I need to assume it’s because you’re letting the Mayans win.

On that note, here are 5 predictions for the new year, after getting my feet a little wet in the big pond of 2012.

1. The world will not end. I like this one because if I’m wrong no one can really challenge me on it. While writing this article I tried doing some quick research and found a whole bunch of interesting ideas about how the world might end: climate change, nuclear war, disease, famine, supervolcanoes, black holes, grey goo (winner of the goofiest name award), religious end scenarios… the list goes on. These are all scary scenarios that I won’t write off because I don’t really know anything about them. People always say that they are supported by scientists, but there’s a difference when we get to numbers. Two scientists impress me less than 150,000 scientists.

New Years

Oh, and the Mayans didn’t even predict that the world would end to begin with. Thanks, History Channel.

2. There will be unrest in the Middle East. I just put this one in because I was so wishy-washy with the last one. I figure this prediction is more or less a safe bet.

3. The porn industry will not collapse. You’re probably thinking, “that’s sure a weird thing to say, Chris!” Well you’d be right. Let me explain how this happened. When I log on to write this blog, there is a little box on my homepage that tells me all about the people visiting this site, and one of the things it tells me is popular search terms that led to my blog. Today’s most popular? “Nicole Graves.”

I did some research into this Ms. Graves and found out that this is linked to this picture:

One of the modern day's paragons of virtue.

You’ve probably deduced from a number of context clues (the subject of this bullet point, massive cleavage, etc.) that Ms. Graves is, in fact, a pornographic actress. The fact that my cartoons about Christmas were showing up more often from porn searches than anything else leads me to believe the industry will manage to survive through 2012.

4. The Chicago Cubs will NOT win the World Series. As a Chicagoland boy, this one pains me to say but the fact is that the Cubs simply are not a good baseball team. In fact, saying the Cubs are not a good team is almost as insightful as pointing out that drinking water is probably a better idea than drinking motor oil. You’re just wasting your breath.

5. The economy will continue to confound us all. Hey, remember those times before the big crash and Great Recession (which is a misnomer by the way–a lot of people would argue its greatness)? Remember how back then we understood exactly why things were good and how to maintain them? What’s that? We didn’t?

Then we do people keep saying we need to “figure out” the economy? What does that even mean? I have to assume that it’s just a weird sort of offshoot baby of that whole thing where people make political argument by saying things like, “We need to start taxing the rich more and giving more to the poor.”

Wikipedia Hipster 2
“It’s economics, man.”

…that’s policy. I’m going to start arguing other things by just stating names of subjects. Apparently that’s kosher.

English: Mr.B As A Lawyer

"My client is entitled to all your assets. As evidence I cite law."

So anyway, I wish you all a happy new year! Here’s hoping it’s a good one!

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