From the Archives: Proposed Holidays

So today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day. That got me thinking that it’s weird that pirates get their own holidays. That led to this question:

Why do Irish people get a nationally celebrated holiday, but nobody else does? In today’s current rush of political correctness, I hereby propose these new Nationality-Specific Holidays:


I. Gypsy Day- For all the Hungarians trottin’ around, gypsy day will be adopted.  Instead of being jolly and drinking a lot, the festivities will include crystal ball reading, and tarot cards.  Following this day, all people will be worried about their impending death, and circus profits will increase exponentially.


II. Genghis Khan Day- For all our Mongolian friends, one day every year, every person in America will dress in fur vests and burn things.  We’ll cause mass chaos, and everybody in the country will regret it the day after.  It’s like a really bad St. Paddys hangover.


III. Beaver Day- Canada may be hardly less ethnically diverse than the US, but it still needs its own holiday.  Therefore, every year all people will get together and drink while playing hockey.  Those who plan on being a little adventurous will don flannel and head into the forest to cut trees.  Which will ultimately be used to build a giant wall to protect the other American border.


IV. Brazilian Day- On this day all Americans will be kept inside, except for soccer players and beautiful people.  They will be allowed free reign, and god only knows what damage they may do.


V.  Lichtenstein Day- It’s not truly a day, it’s simply a 1 hour period that no one remembers until a few days later.


VI. Swiss Day- On this day, no one will commit to anything, carrying on the great tradition of neutrality.


VII. Greenland Day- Everything spoken or written on Greenland day will be misleading, and most will have contradictory titles.


VIII. Balkans Day- This is a great time of year, when celebrants will change their name to something different each day of the week for seven weeks.  In honor of the tumult, riots will be both allowed and encouraged.  However, assassination of Austrian Dukes will be restricted.


This is all I feel to be necessary for now.  Once these days are adopted, I’m sure the dam will burst and every country will get its day.


With your help, we can one day make political correctness king, and all people will be called not by their skin color, but by their abnormally long “correct” titles.


Cause we all want that, right?

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