Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 23!

 

For the second time in three years I’ve decided to cut off my Christmas graphs at the 23rd rather than the 24th. As an added bonus, if you look closer I actually pulled this stunt three times in the last three years but last year it was comics not graphs. That being said, if you didnt see this coming, I’m sorry. Deal with it. Go a wassailing.

 

Or do whatever this is

 

And on that note, here’s today’s graph. Today, we look at the ideal breakdown of your Christmas festivities. The main five components are: eating, family, A Christmas Story, eating, and presents. I kept religion out so no one gets all snippety.

 

Mostly because THIS is the face of snips

 

So let’s go over the topics. The first is family. Family is important on Christmas because nostalgia is important on Christmas, and nothing is more nostalgic than our own deeply disturbing memories of being caught in that fleshy prison that is a womb. For that reason, being around your family really drives home the spirit of the season — horror.

 

I hope you enjoy your visit from Krampus!

 

Next up is A Christmas Story. For those who don’t know, it’s on TBS all day and it tells the grand story of a boy named Ralphie, who really, really wants a gun. The high octane action flick, offshoot sequel, much like Krampus, is deeply disturbing.

 

Jeremy Piven plays a great grown-up Ralphie though

 

Let’s keep the ball rolling. Presents. Now I’m sure that a lot of people will say that presents aren’t very important but you also probably won’t see many people turn them down because hey, free stuff!

 

I mean, I didn’t even want any film studies until I saw this

 

And finally we have eating. Think about what’s awesome about Christmas. Cookies. Hams. Candy. Candy Canes. Gingerbread houses. Roasted chestnuts. Chestnuts on fire because you roasted them too close to the open flames. Fruitcake. Peanut brittle. Peppermint bark. Sugar cookies decorated as war-torn reindeer. Basically it’s just a feast for the ages.

 

 

And then you get to hibernate.

 

 

And with that, Merry Christmas everyone!

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 22!

 

It’s the first day of the new bak’tun! Hooray!

 

…And that’s enough of that celebration. Time to get down to business.

 

Because how else will we defeat the Huns?

 

Today’s graph approaches the topic of gingerbread houses. Feel free to use it either as a guide in your own building or as a handy tool to help judge other people’s houses. That way you can may your 7-year old niece feel like a real dunce for adding the clearly unnecessary bay window to her Saltbox-style gingerbread home.

 

Pretentious little hipster…

 

At least, that’s the basic rule of thumb. With Christmas cheer, nostalgia reigns supreme–like Skeletor in a He-Man-less world. That means that as long as you keep it simple, it’ll evoke feelings of the seasons of yore. Or before. Probably you’ll relate to the latter a lot better.

 

Caution: Do NOT be fooled into reminiscing of the “Years of Roar”

 

However as with many things, the more ostentatious you get, the more annoying it becomes. But go TRULY over the top and something magic happens. It sudden;y becomes immediately more awesome, with nearly limitless potential. It’s kind of like how Danny Grainger used his NBA salary to build himself a big house (sort of annoying) then built a bat cave to go with it (undeniably awesome).

 

 

Case in point

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 21!

 

Know what you never hear anyone say? “Santa’s got a brand new bag.” Know why? Because when your bag is perfect, there’s no reason to replace it.

 

That and he’s too busy getting his groove back

 

See, one of Santa’s job priorities is toting an insane amount of stuff from a remote, freezing cold location to, well, everywhere. And to do that you need a big bag. In fact, you need the biggest bag.

 

Not big enough!

 

That’s why Santa found this fancy new sack that is just as big as it needs to be. Take something out? It gets smaller. Put something in? It gets bigger. It’s like somebody’s stomach but both less tasty and less gross.

 

Worst. Christmas gift. Ever.

 

And as far as I can tell, that sums it up. If your’e interested in purchasing your own Santa bag, go out and kill the current Santa.

 

 

” I LOVE mine!”

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 20!

 

I’m sure everyone out there has the same thing on their minds: we need more studies on snow warfare. Well, you’re in luck. While today’s topic is no Stalingrad or Simho Hayha (Look him up), it does touch on one of the mainstays of snowy warfare–attrition. Earlier this week we looked at the offensive side of snow warfare–snowballs, insults, and racially-charged snowman slurs–but today it’s all about the defense.

 

This is the kind of snow that falls in Pittsburgh

 

You’ll probably notice first and foremost that according to this graph, no time is a bad time to build a snow fort. That is exactly correct. Good job, you already understand bullet point 1.

 

Unfortunately Philosoraptor is already on bullet point 8

 

Then there is the matter of the peak hours. The first we see arises at dawn. The combination of early daylight, snow accumulated over the night hours, and and boundless energy from a good night’s sleep makes for prime snow fort building time. Also, bears are no longer active, which means you can get a good head start if you’re worried about attacks.

 

“Prepare to meet your maker! …This afternoon.”

 

Our next chance is at noon. It’s the lunch hour and likely among the warmest part of the day, so it’s a no-brainer to build now.

 

 

The “no-brainer” part is why I refer to the noon hour as “The Pinky Hour”

 

Finally, we get a little bump to snow fort building around dusk, when any of your remaining creative juices can be squeezed in before nightfall. It gives you just enough time to finish your crenelations, install that new keep, or figure out how to store boiling oil without melting the murder holes. And as an added bonus the cold night weather helps to coat the snow with a nice icy sheen that makes it totally super-duper hard.

 

 

If Constantinople had these, no one would know what Istanbul was

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 19!

 

Can you believe we’re almost to graph 20 on the year!??? I sure can’t. The good news is that the Christmas spirit ramps up tomorrow with the first mighty snow storm (named Draco because it…breathes fire?) of the year. If you need help getting through this Wednesday night though, today’s graph will help. Just find a string of jingle bells. The more they ring, the more you will feel the need to bust out in Christmas caroling.

 

Warning: Extreme wassailing may turn you into a character from Adventure Time

 

The reasons for this are quite simple. I’ll list them here:

  1. Ringing bells are musical
  2. Santa uses jingle bells on his sleigh
  3. One Christmas carol is actually called “Jingle Bells” (If you didn’t know that, contact me for a more intensive Christmas cheer course)

Jingle bells are also useful in bar brawls, if the need presents itself

 

Now, the first logical Christmas carol to be sung when the bells start a’ jingling is the aforementioned “Jingle Bells.” However a close second would be “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” (Silver Bells sometimes seems more natural, but only in rich neighborhoods) This is because Santa, as we all know, uses sleigh bells on his reindeer.

 

Fun Fact: Santa forces all animals but bears to wear jingle bells at the north pole. This is because a napping bear jingles no bells.

 

The debate is exactly how many. Frank Baum, the author of Wizard of Oz and, much more relevant, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, argues that there are ten strings of jingle bells. However he also claims there are ten reindeer in Santa’s team rather than eight with a ninth option when inclement weather arrives. This is the direct cause for the famed Frank Baum – Gene Autry wars of the 1940s.

 

Pictured: The cold-blooded, ruthless victor

 

But really what song or how many bells are irrelevant. What is important is that more is better in the realm of jingle bells, and in keeping with the spirit of the season it is encouraged that everyone promptly go out and buy two hundred strings of jingle bells and give them out freely in the next few days. Together, we can beat Scrooge!

 

And in doing so we’ll expose him as the quack-pot he really is.

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 18!

 

So you know what the best part of Christmas is? The goodwill towards men, of course. But somewhere around like 14 or 15 is “Christmas clothes,” and fifteenth place is as high as I reach today. Let’s get to it, shall we?

 

I came to this conclusion while watching a girl wearing tights and a dress outside in the bitter December cold. To jog your memory nd get hte ball rolling on this explanation, here’s an example image.

 

Not pictured: Practical winter wear

 

So now you’ve got the idea. What we’re talking about here is a poor choice but really at this point you only see one group of people making this choice any more. Hot people. They wear less clothes in order to show of their assets, kind of like how rich people drive fancy cars and IT guys hide in the dark.

 

And after enough hiding in the dark, they switch to fancy cars

 

On the other side of the coin, we have people that aren’t so classically beautiful. Sometimes people throw some stuff out there trying to make these “unfortunate” folks feel a little bit better but it always comes off as kind of forced. At least, until December. When the cold front rolls in all that extra meat and clothing suddenly looks like a great idea and by the peak of a Minnesota February, the tables turn completely. It’s really just the natural order of things.

 

That’s why bears, who always look awesome, collectively decided to just sleep through winter so they never suffer the downside

Graph-a-Day til Christmas Part 17!

 

I’m going to make a wager. Most of the people reading this probably don’t believe in Santa (you’re wrong) and most of you are probably not children. Boom. Graph proven.

 

’nuff said.

 

That’s why Christmas cheer is most often spread through children. Check out the Grinch to see what I’m talking about. Cindy Lou Who is the one person who can convince the Grinch, who is kind of like Ebenezer Scrooge + Scrooge McDuck + something green, so I’ll say celery, that Christmas is awesome.

 

And nothing hates Christmas quite like vegetables

 

However as we age we find more and more that Santa seems less appealing. We get older and stop believing in Santa and you know what? Suddenly we need Christmas cheer. And that, friends, finally explains why people have children.

 

Instead of buying pet bears.