For the second time in three years I’ve decided to cut off my Christmas graphs at the 23rd rather than the 24th. As an added bonus, if you look closer I actually pulled this stunt three times in the last three years but last year it was comics not graphs. That being said, if you didnt see this coming, I’m sorry. Deal with it. Go a wassailing.
And on that note, here’s today’s graph. Today, we look at the ideal breakdown of your Christmas festivities. The main five components are: eating, family, A Christmas Story, eating, and presents. I kept religion out so no one gets all snippety.
So let’s go over the topics. The first is family. Family is important on Christmas because nostalgia is important on Christmas, and nothing is more nostalgic than our own deeply disturbing memories of being caught in that fleshy prison that is a womb. For that reason, being around your family really drives home the spirit of the season — horror.
Next up is A Christmas Story. For those who don’t know, it’s on TBS all day and it tells the grand story of a boy named Ralphie, who really, really wants a gun. The high octane action flick, offshoot sequel, much like Krampus, is deeply disturbing.
Let’s keep the ball rolling. Presents. Now I’m sure that a lot of people will say that presents aren’t very important but you also probably won’t see many people turn them down because hey, free stuff!
And finally we have eating. Think about what’s awesome about Christmas. Cookies. Hams. Candy. Candy Canes. Gingerbread houses. Roasted chestnuts. Chestnuts on fire because you roasted them too close to the open flames. Fruitcake. Peanut brittle. Peppermint bark. Sugar cookies decorated as war-torn reindeer. Basically it’s just a feast for the ages.
And with that, Merry Christmas everyone!