I read an article recently that brought up an interesting explanation for the disproportionately high levels of ADD and ADHD in the United States (Sadly, a half hour search did not turn it up again) It postulated that as a country, we’re more susceptible because it’s in our genes. Makes sense, who else would go wandering to a new world but people who were bored and no loner stimulated by the old one? Settlers went out, and now we’ve got a pretty good country.

Cartoons do a great job of capturing that idea, but they also pinpoint a few other issues of American identity, not surprising from an art that’s hugely influenced by the United States. They display our lack of attention, our cosmopolitan society, and they shed light on our changing values.

Now, let’s start with the easy one. I made the claim that cartoons really capture the whole atention deficit part of the USA, and if you need to see proof, just watch an episode of Animaniacs when their teacher attempts to teach the young dogs, or cats, or rabbits, or whatever just about anything. They never focus, they distract each other, and they raise heck in a way that would make most teachers cry a little. That’s the “hit you in the head with a hammer” obvious example. Less apparent is the structure of a cartoon itself, set up in 7-minute intervals, so that our subpar attention spans can keep up. If we can’t be convinced to sit for more than 7 minutes of entertainment, no wonder we moved out! How could anyone possibly live in just one place their whole life???

And how could anyone live in Iowa at all? (The red means "Danger!")

The next point was the point about cosmopolitanism in the United States. Everyone knows that we’re a “melting pot.” You want to see how true that is? Watch this video. It spoofs or references, among other things, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court (by Mark Twain), a variety of food based puns, popular composers of the 50s and earlier, rural American life, and, of course, Medieval Europe. That’s cosmopolitan.

Not as cosmopolitan as this, though.

And that brings us already to point number three, which is the issue of changing value in the  United States. We aren’t a people expanding any more. The West was won. The Independence was gained. The destiny was manifested. Now we are comfortable and what follows? Hanna Barbera. Now we have an era of cartoons that ranges from Scooby-Doo to Spongebob Squarepants and the idea of a cartoon is no longer a 7 minute snippet of entertainment. Now they’re short films in their own right and that captures the focus of the United States from quick thinking, quick moving, hardly focused individuals to people who actually do all of those things. Good? Bad? I’ll let you decide that.

The Gang's waiting for an answer.

Let’s find out…

Number 1!

What’s the origin on a hissy fit? Well word on the interweb might lead you to believe that it is merely a misappropriation of the word “hussy.” If you did think that–you’re wrong. It’s okay. We all make mistakes.

Hissy fits actually are an American invention, like hot dogs and apple pie.

And that’s all we know. Being the endless pot of useless ingenuity that the Americans are, we just pulled it out of nowhere. …Weird.

Hissy fits--now way more delicious

Numero Dos!

Ever wanted to do something really good? You know, make it the cat’s pajamas? The bee’s knees? Absolutely top-notch?

…Ever wanted to do something to a T?

There’s some question in the acamdemic community as to what exactly that means. What’s the T? Is it a tee? Tea? The tops? Does it stand for “to a terribly complete nature?”

No.

Well, at least we don’t think so. In fact, the phrase to a T could mean any number of things but the most likely culprit is that it derives from the phrase “to a tittle,” first used by writer James Wright way back in the 17th century. unfortunately, this answer just raises new questions–what’s a tittle?

I’ll leave that one to you guys and this link to figure out.

Hint: This is not a tittle.

Nummer C!

One more! This one is about weapons. Have you ever learned anything about swords? They’re sharp. They’re heavy. They put people in the ground like no one’s business for hundreds and hundreds of years. Pens, meanwhile, operate by dripping dark ink on to a tiny rotating ball bearing that transfers the ink from the case to paper.

Which sounds mightier?

Well if you ask the guy who started a book with “It was a dark and stormy night,” the pen is. That guy was Edward Bulwer-Lytton. He now has the high praise of being associated with the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction writing contest, which challenges writers to write… terribly.

The richly poetic “the pen is mightier than the sword” doesn’t sound so awesome now, does it?

It was an uptight and pompous-looking man...

Keep your eyes peeled for the new and improved blog to be unveiled sometime in the coming weeks. I’m working hard to make sure I provide something good and interesting for all of you lovely readers out there!

Hopefully it'll be as cheery as this dog.

“Keeping my options open – TRANSLATION – I’m really friggin’ indecisive.”

Of course one of those options was to attend a few more years and get a master’s degree because masters own plantations and bachelor’s own pads, and it was fairly clear which of those two is more desirable. What could possibly be better than owning a plantation and avoiding student loans?

Well, it turns out you don’t just show up to a school with a smile on your face and a “can do” attitude and just find yourself in graduate level classes (though if you’re carrying the several hundred thousand dollars you’ll need for tuition, your chances do go up considerably). No, there are actually a few very important things to do first and these include, among other things:

• Taking tests designed to evaluate your ability to drool at a computer screen (as well as attempting to ascertain the resilience of your bum) for extended periods of time, then provide a thorough mental stress test by forcing you to wait for months before getting results.

• Researching schools to make sure that they have your program, and that they do not have any strange and inconvenient rules like forcing you to procure a doctor’s note before growing a beard • Actually filling out applications that are a lot like work applications, if work applications were meant to scare you away rather than seem alluring and fun because 84% of it is jargon you don’t understand

The first of these upset me because I thought I was all done with standardized tests when high school ended. The problem is that I just had enough when I was still in high school and wasn’t ready to do more. I’d taken the ACT, didn’t want the GRE–thought it wasn’t risky–but schools decreed that it was a need and tough luck if I disagreed (I was disappointed to find out that there is no Dr. Seuss on the GRE). Still, I decided to suck it up and take it and did alright. Step one complete.

The next step involved learning all about the universities and colleges that I might one day avoid the homework of. This is a very important step, as it is crucial to know things like how easily accessible liquor is, if professors are typically sticklers on hard homework, and whether or not rival schools can call you by particularly creative and mean-spirited nicknames based on your school mascot (or assuredly uncreative ones if you attend the University of South Carolina). Unfortunately, it turns out that the reason for the lack of annoying and inconspicuous jargon on the applications for graduate school is a direct result of the schools instead allocating their entire jargon budget to the “school information and smokescreen” pamphlets that appear in one’s mailbox in quantities usually rivaled only by airdropping totalitarian regimes. This is the step where I began to be a little more bogged down.

Then there is the third step. This is the step that includes actually applying to graduate schools and it is the part that is designed to weed out people who are not truly interested in attending their programs. Unfortunately, their strategy for doing so utilizes a cadre of cruel tactics that include:

• Personal statements which ask for you to describe your life goals in 500 words or less in an attempt to make you feel confused and without focus

• Letters of recommendation, in which former employers and educators try to make up for all the damage you did in your personal statement

• Information on your test scores so they can examine your abilities to endure mental stress, drool capacity, and the physical fortitude of your derriere This is the step where I finally called it quits for the time being.

Faced with what seemed to be an insurmountable task of making an informed decision I crumbled, much as many Polish horses crumbled before the power of… well… tanks.

So I return to the prophetic words of my career services sage, who told me graduate school was not just an excuse to working. He could’ve gotten his point across much better by just telling me that applying to grad school was a nightmare.

Cheers to 2012! I hope everyone out there is as excited about this new year as I am! I say that because I’m largely indifferent, not because I’m terribly excited. I just figure if I’m truly neutral, then anyone less excited than me is a little bit bummed and if that’s the case I need to assume it’s because you’re letting the Mayans win.

On that note, here are 5 predictions for the new year, after getting my feet a little wet in the big pond of 2012.

1. The world will not end. I like this one because if I’m wrong no one can really challenge me on it. While writing this article I tried doing some quick research and found a whole bunch of interesting ideas about how the world might end: climate change, nuclear war, disease, famine, supervolcanoes, black holes, grey goo (winner of the goofiest name award), religious end scenarios… the list goes on. These are all scary scenarios that I won’t write off because I don’t really know anything about them. People always say that they are supported by scientists, but there’s a difference when we get to numbers. Two scientists impress me less than 150,000 scientists.

Oh, and the Mayans didn’t even predict that the world would end to begin with. Thanks, History Channel.

2. There will be unrest in the Middle East. I just put this one in because I was so wishy-washy with the last one. I figure this prediction is more or less a safe bet.

3. The porn industry will not collapse. You’re probably thinking, “that’s sure a weird thing to say, Chris!” Well you’d be right. Let me explain how this happened. When I log on to write this blog, there is a little box on my homepage that tells me all about the people visiting this site, and one of the things it tells me is popular search terms that led to my blog. Today’s most popular? “Nicole Graves.”

I did some research into this Ms. Graves and found out that this is linked to this picture:

One of the modern day's paragons of virtue.

You’ve probably deduced from a number of context clues (the subject of this bullet point, massive cleavage, etc.) that Ms. Graves is, in fact, a pornographic actress. The fact that my cartoons about Christmas were showing up more often from porn searches than anything else leads me to believe the industry will manage to survive through 2012.

4. The Chicago Cubs will NOT win the World Series. As a Chicagoland boy, this one pains me to say but the fact is that the Cubs simply are not a good baseball team. In fact, saying the Cubs are not a good team is almost as insightful as pointing out that drinking water is probably a better idea than drinking motor oil. You’re just wasting your breath.

5. The economy will continue to confound us all. Hey, remember those times before the big crash and Great Recession (which is a misnomer by the way–a lot of people would argue its greatness)? Remember how back then we understood exactly why things were good and how to maintain them? What’s that? We didn’t?

Then we do people keep saying we need to “figure out” the economy? What does that even mean? I have to assume that it’s just a weird sort of offshoot baby of that whole thing where people make political argument by saying things like, “We need to start taxing the rich more and giving more to the poor.”

“It’s economics, man.”

…that’s policy. I’m going to start arguing other things by just stating names of subjects. Apparently that’s kosher.

"My client is entitled to all your assets. As evidence I cite law."

So anyway, I wish you all a happy new year! Here’s hoping it’s a good one!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Does everyone remember those comics where Calvin (Of himself & Hobbes fame) made those little snowmen, Ever wonder if those guys grow up?

Of course it would be silly to think Calvin's did...

The more I thought about it (as spurred on by another of Mr. Watterson‘s works) the snowman is nothing more than an obese snowball amalgamation. Not surprisingly, the first name is the one that caught on.

There is however, an interesting point to come from this: avalanches are like snow orgies.

O_o

Snow people must be 18 years or older ot view this image.

COMIC!

So anyone who has been reading these blogs religiously ought to know that I thoroughly enjoy “The Santa Clause” with Tim Allen. In this movie, the question of how Santa gets into homes with no chimney is answered. But then there’s a whole other issue. What if the house is just big enough for its contents?
Think about it. Here you’ve got a perfectly average Eskimo (I’m pretty sure that’s a racially insensitive term but I don’t know the PC one and frankly I’m too tired to look it up–so deal) family: there’s a dad and a mom and a 2.4 children (I assume one boy, one girl, and a sort of half torso like thing). Then they’ve got all their belongings and it all needs to fit in their tiny igloo home.

What happens when Santa suddenly apparates inside?

Santasplosions are a major problem in the arctic circle.

Now you might remember from last year’s facebook series “the 25(ish) graphs of Christmas” that elves are magic but still need to deal with a thing called phsyics. Well, same thing applies to the big guy too.

So now you’ve got Santa inside and there’s no room for him which just ruins everyone’s day. In fact, it even ruins the local bears’ days.

"Well guys, no party today I guess..."

Anyway, let’s get to the comic:

I’m sure you’re looking at that and thinking, “So he threw a ball down a hill. Extraordinary? Probably not.”

But remember, loyal readers, that THIS is a comic strip! (cue “ooohs” and “ahhhhs”)

Or ruthless reckling if that's your thing.

What does that mean? It means that the snowball guy is throwing his snowball… through time and space! Is that mind-boggling or what?

The answer is yes.

Say it with me. “Yes.”

So now, let’s keep going. I don’t know what to talk about, so I’ll tell some interesting statistics Statistics about what?

We all knew this day was coming.

Fact 1: Bears sleep all winter, only waking up to pose in Chris’ annual Christmas blogs!

Fact 2: Bears make great friends for things like pigs, rabbits, owls, and even tigers, oh my!

Fact 3: Bears are far more effective when they have Jay Cutler.

Fact 4: Bears are mammals.

Fact 5: In Greek mythology, Zeus‘ honey turned one of his many recreational activities in a bear. This was a fate way more awesome fate than Arachne’s.

For more information on how bears can be great fun, click here!